My Struggle W/ Eating Disorders
Hey Everybody! I know it's been a hot minute since Iv'e written anything new, especially since I said I was going to do monthly recaps, but I'm back!
So this topic is actually a tough one for me to address. I've been dealing with this eating disorder for a VERY long time, but only recently admitted it to myself and out loud that I have/ had a problem. It's something that I still deal with to this day.
I am an emotional eater and I binge eat. And on top of that, I have a hard time with body positivity when it comes to how I view myself. I do not know why I am the way I am, what caused it or what still causes it. What I do know is that it makes my day to day life hard. From, should I eat this? Oh this is way too unhealthy. To should I wear that? No, that shows too much of my fat or you can see my belly roll through my shirt.
For those who don’t know, binge eating is basically when one eats huge amounts of food in one sitting, and then feels shame or regret right after. And emotional eating, which is also linked to binge eating, is when someone eats during times of stress, anger, etc to feel better.
For those who don’t know, binge eating is basically when one eats huge amounts of food in one sitting, and then feels shame or regret right after. And emotional eating, which is also linked to binge eating, is when someone eats during times of stress, anger, etc to feel better.
My binge eating disorder started back in middle school, as far as I can remember. Starting in 6th grade, the majority of the time I would not eat breakfast. And then I wouldn't bring lunch to school and would not eat any snacks. By the time I'd get home, I'd be hungry, but would only have an after school snack and then dinner. It started to get to the point that I'd be STARVING by the time I'd get home, and my small after school snack wasn't filling me up to the point that I could last until dinner. Eventually, I started sneaking extra snacks when I thought no one was paying attention so that I could be full enough to last to dinner. So my after school snacks and dinner were my only "meals" during school days, and I would eat a bunch at those times to ensure that I would make it through to the next day without getting hungry. So basically, I’d starve myself as long as possible and then binge eat like crazy, only to feel like crap afterwards. 😩
This cycle of starving myself and then binge eating continued from 6th grade on through high school. And then I got my first job, right after I graduated high school. I remember attempting to starve myself + binge, but that got difficult. I’d be extra hungry from being on my feet my entire shift, and then I finally thought to myself, “why am I still treating my body like this?”. I was skinny, had friends, had a boyfriend and was doing great at my job. I felt amazing, confident and successful, so why was I going to get out of starving + binge eating? Nothing at all. So I finally learned to let myself eat normal meals like a normal person.
Fast forward a year and a half later, and Isaiah is born. I lost a lot of the weight from his pregnancy, but not all of it. So this time around, I continued to eat 3 meals a day, started eating healthier and tried to be active when possible. But I’d still binge, mainly because eating healthy caused me to crave junk. And I thought if I want to lose weight, I have to eat 100% healthy. But that clearly backfired. I ended up bingeing junk food at the most random of times and in the end, I had lost 10lbs, only to gain it back with the random binge eating.
Fast forward to after Joshua was born, I was back to eating junk food all the time, only ate healthy every now and then, and was no longer starving myself or binge eating. After Josh was born, I was at my heaviest weight and felt like crap. But at that moment in time, I practically gave up with working on me and let myself stay a potato.
Then Elijah was born. I attempted clean eating for a bit, with no success. I attempted working out, no success. So I started going back to what I knew best, starving + binge eating. I just wanted to feel good about my body, feel good in my own skin and have my self confidence back. I eventually started losing the weight, extremely SLOW I might add, which made me feel good; Not amazing and not happy where I was, but happier with where I was headed.
Aaaaand then once again, I ended up pregnant again, this time with Isabella. I was so upset because I was FINALLY starting to lose weight and work on me, but you know, life happens. 🤷🏻♀️ I was worried that this pregnancy was going to be the one I could never come back from, the one that would cause me to never lose the rest of all my pregnancy weight ever again. But this pregnancy was different. I had such horrible morning sickness that I could hardly eat. And all I could really eat was healthy food because junk would make me feel sick. I actually ended up losing weight in the beginning. Then halfway through my pregnancy, I got hit with a stomach bug and lost more weight. I was actually super ecstatic with how much weight I lost in the beginning. Lol. By the end of my pregnancy, I hardly gained any weight, I lost a lot of fat in some areas and I felt amazing.
Once Bella was born, I told myself that this was it. This was finally time for ME. I started eating healthy literally 95% of the time, I ate 3 meals a day + 1-2 snacks and I saw results fast. I was losing weight quick, I had more energy, I felt happier, I even reached my pre-pregnancy weight from Joshua’s pregnancy plus lost some extra weight. I was at my lowest weight in 4 years, all without starving or binge eating.
But then came all the holidays and I hit a plateau. I couldn’t lose anymore weight and it had me feeling some type of way. From then until now, I still haven’t lost any weight and it now has me reverting back to starving myself + bingeing every now and then. Some days I do good, others I skip meals, then binge eat and then feel bad that I binge ate and starve myself again. With everything that has been going on lately, I’ve been binge eating a little extra. Especially because when my emotions are all over the place, I tend to binge eat more. I try my best to eat normal meals, but when I see that number on the scale going up/ not dropping, or the way I look in pictures, or just how I feel in certain clothes, I tend to want to starve myself in hopes that I’ll start losing the weight. 😭 it also doesn’t help when my 4 year old tells me (like he did today), “oh my gosh mom! Look at your belly! It has all these rolls and it looks weird!”, all because I was sitting down in a bikini. 🙄 I know he doesn’t know better, but it still hurts to hear him constantly saying “I see your fat mom” and for him to come and poke my belly.
I’ve been dealing w| this for almost 15 years now, and it still has yet to be 100% better, but it is still better than before. So for those of you going through similar motions, just know that I’m here if you need me. You can share your story down below in the comments or privately message me, that decision is up to you.
Until next time,
XO Mama Unfiltered 🖤
This cycle of starving myself and then binge eating continued from 6th grade on through high school. And then I got my first job, right after I graduated high school. I remember attempting to starve myself + binge, but that got difficult. I’d be extra hungry from being on my feet my entire shift, and then I finally thought to myself, “why am I still treating my body like this?”. I was skinny, had friends, had a boyfriend and was doing great at my job. I felt amazing, confident and successful, so why was I going to get out of starving + binge eating? Nothing at all. So I finally learned to let myself eat normal meals like a normal person.
Fast forward a year and a half later, and Isaiah is born. I lost a lot of the weight from his pregnancy, but not all of it. So this time around, I continued to eat 3 meals a day, started eating healthier and tried to be active when possible. But I’d still binge, mainly because eating healthy caused me to crave junk. And I thought if I want to lose weight, I have to eat 100% healthy. But that clearly backfired. I ended up bingeing junk food at the most random of times and in the end, I had lost 10lbs, only to gain it back with the random binge eating.
Fast forward to after Joshua was born, I was back to eating junk food all the time, only ate healthy every now and then, and was no longer starving myself or binge eating. After Josh was born, I was at my heaviest weight and felt like crap. But at that moment in time, I practically gave up with working on me and let myself stay a potato.
Then Elijah was born. I attempted clean eating for a bit, with no success. I attempted working out, no success. So I started going back to what I knew best, starving + binge eating. I just wanted to feel good about my body, feel good in my own skin and have my self confidence back. I eventually started losing the weight, extremely SLOW I might add, which made me feel good; Not amazing and not happy where I was, but happier with where I was headed.
Aaaaand then once again, I ended up pregnant again, this time with Isabella. I was so upset because I was FINALLY starting to lose weight and work on me, but you know, life happens. 🤷🏻♀️ I was worried that this pregnancy was going to be the one I could never come back from, the one that would cause me to never lose the rest of all my pregnancy weight ever again. But this pregnancy was different. I had such horrible morning sickness that I could hardly eat. And all I could really eat was healthy food because junk would make me feel sick. I actually ended up losing weight in the beginning. Then halfway through my pregnancy, I got hit with a stomach bug and lost more weight. I was actually super ecstatic with how much weight I lost in the beginning. Lol. By the end of my pregnancy, I hardly gained any weight, I lost a lot of fat in some areas and I felt amazing.
Once Bella was born, I told myself that this was it. This was finally time for ME. I started eating healthy literally 95% of the time, I ate 3 meals a day + 1-2 snacks and I saw results fast. I was losing weight quick, I had more energy, I felt happier, I even reached my pre-pregnancy weight from Joshua’s pregnancy plus lost some extra weight. I was at my lowest weight in 4 years, all without starving or binge eating.
But then came all the holidays and I hit a plateau. I couldn’t lose anymore weight and it had me feeling some type of way. From then until now, I still haven’t lost any weight and it now has me reverting back to starving myself + bingeing every now and then. Some days I do good, others I skip meals, then binge eat and then feel bad that I binge ate and starve myself again. With everything that has been going on lately, I’ve been binge eating a little extra. Especially because when my emotions are all over the place, I tend to binge eat more. I try my best to eat normal meals, but when I see that number on the scale going up/ not dropping, or the way I look in pictures, or just how I feel in certain clothes, I tend to want to starve myself in hopes that I’ll start losing the weight. 😭 it also doesn’t help when my 4 year old tells me (like he did today), “oh my gosh mom! Look at your belly! It has all these rolls and it looks weird!”, all because I was sitting down in a bikini. 🙄 I know he doesn’t know better, but it still hurts to hear him constantly saying “I see your fat mom” and for him to come and poke my belly.
I’ve been dealing w| this for almost 15 years now, and it still has yet to be 100% better, but it is still better than before. So for those of you going through similar motions, just know that I’m here if you need me. You can share your story down below in the comments or privately message me, that decision is up to you.
Until next time,
XO Mama Unfiltered 🖤
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