All the Feelings Leading up to Today

5 kids. Just, wow... I know so many of you are out there thinking, “Are you crazy?!”, “How are you going to handle 5 kids??”, “This lady can’t even handle the kids she has now 🙄”, etc etc. 

Well first off, a big 🖕🏼to those of you judging me right now, thinking I can’t/ won’t be able to handle them or that I am a bad mom in the first place or whatever! Ok. This hasn’t been easy on me, and those judging me right now are just making it that much harder. 

So yes, I am pregnant with baby #5. No we did not plan it. Yes we were EXTRA careful, ( I don’t think y’all need all the details) and yet somehow still ended up pregnant. We honestly don’t know how, but my guess is it was/ is Gods will. 

I originally went in to see the Dr for irregular, painful periods that turned into a missed period with extreme cramping and lightheadedness. I had no clue I was pregnant, especially because I usually just KNOW by 5 weeks. I thought maybe I was dealing with fibroids, cysts, a hormonal imbalance, etc. But when the Dr was going through the nurses notes, we both saw that my urine test came back positive for pregnancy. 

I started crying right then and there in front of the dr and kept crying the whole time. I only stopped long enough to walk to my car and then once in my car, I cried and had anxiety attacks the whole way driving to my moms and also at my moms house. It took me awhile to calm down but when I did, all I could think about were my options. 

Option 1, abortion. Now before you think, "Wow, are you serious?", hear me out. When it comes to me, I have always been against abortion. I feel as if you’re taking an innocent baby’s life away from them. And I know everyone has their own opinions and beliefs, but this was mine. If I decided to go ahead and get an abortion, I’d be going against my beliefs and this would mentally eat away at me for a very long time. I already knew that. So that option, OUT. 

Option 2, adoption. I could carry this baby to term, and then give it up for adoption. But how in the world would I be able to carry a baby to just give it away? Especially one that has siblings? It would break my heart giving a baby away, knowing that they were separated from their sibling, a baby that was my own blood. Another option, OUT. 

Option 3, my mom could raise the baby. My mom actually offered to raise the baby for me, once the baby's born, because I didn’t think I could handle or afford another baby. She said she would support me no matter my decision and that she’s there to help me. But then again with this option, I still wouldn’t feel right having the baby raised away separate from its siblings. So again, option OUT. 

Option 4, suck it up and have this baby. Yes, it’s not that hard, but thinking about how we still don’t have our own house and how the kids are all so close in age is a huge factor. Plus not to mention, I was FINALLY working on me and feeing so good. And yes, I know how selfish that sounds, but it had been so long since I felt good and confident in my own skin. And then not to mention, I have a lot of people who would probably talk down to me for my decision and probably are pissed at me/ judging me this very moment lol

So we're going with option 4! Did I ever picture myself having 5 kids, hell no! Is it gonna be easy? Do I even need to answer that? 😴 lol the only thing I can do is have faith and trust in Gods timing for everything. Now I just pray we can get a house by March so that things move more easily when baby is born. 

Now time to await baby's arrival 🥰

Until next time, 

XO Mama Unfiltered 🤍